


like static

by saphinias



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt, M/M, Post-Prisoner of Azkaban
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-21
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-25 23:41:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9852218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saphinias/pseuds/saphinias
Summary: Remus wonders if he will ever stop missing Sirius.  If he will ever stop loving him.  He hopes he doesn't.





	

If only you were here.  You would know what to say.

You’re gone and all I want to do is talk about you - remember you.  But there is nobody left who knew you like I did.  

I am all that is left.

Sometimes I think this would be easier to get through if we had never met again.  Maybe it would be easier, but I could never trade in getting to be with you again.  Getting to love you - not that I ever truly stopped.  I missed you.

I miss you.

My whole life, I’ve spent so much time having you missing from me - and despite all the practice, I’ve never gotten good at it.  I’ve never been good at living without you.  I know I shouldn’t depend on another person this way, this much - and I did get on alright without you, when I had to.

But I can’t help how empty my days feel without you in them.  I thought I would get used to it - sometimes I even hoped I would.  And some days I can go without missing you or even thinking about you.  But the next day comes around and I’m crippled with memories of you and I want to take back my day of freedom in shame - because you are too important a part of me to ever go a day without, to not be remembered.  

How could I go a day without you?  

Those are the only days I feel like I’m a monster, anymore.  

The moon used to rule my life.  You and the moon.  Now you’ve stolen all of her power away - and I would do anything to get that torment back if only you could be here with me.  

I find myself missing even the full moons with you by my side.  Only you could ever have that kind of power.  I loved you for that.  I still love you for that.  

I love you I love you I love you

It kills me that magic is real but you cannot be brought back to life.  How can we transform one thing into another but not change death back into life?  How can we kill with a curse but not have an equivalent to bring life?  Surely bringing back the victim of a murder could not be immoral?  These are excuses that I will never really put to use, but they fill my mind at times.  They are always there, like static.  

You are always there, like static.  I never wanted you to become something I got used to, but I had to get used to missing you.  I would have died.  Sometimes I want to.  I fantasize about bringing you back.  

Once, I asked Tonks to look like you.  I stood there in the room with her and critiqued it until your twenty-year-old self was standing in the room with me instead.  She didn’t smell like you.  She smiled at me with your face and your mouth and I cried.  

I thought I would stop crying about you eventually, but it’s been years and every now and then it smells like leather or I hear the old Muggle music you liked or I see a pair of sparkling eyes and I can’t help myself.  

So many people say they would never change the bad things in their lives because those things made them who they are - that they would never trade in this new version of themselves for things they once loved.  But that’s bullshit.  If any one of them had half a chance they would bring back the ones they love.  

You made me who I am, not your death.  Your death has taken me farther away from who I am, from who I want to be.  I want to be yours.  

I will always be yours.


End file.
